Monday, 13 August 2012

The Granny Patch Revisited.


I really didn't want to do it, I didn't want to wade into this sillyphotoshop/body double war. As most of you already know, Ms. Moore was photographed for the December cover of W magazine. Since the public release of said photo, every Joe Blow Blogger has been spewing their opinion as to the validity/authenticity of this photo.

OBVIOUSLY the freaking pic is photoshopped...ALL magazine cover shots are photoshopped. The voracious appetite we celebrity haters worshippers have for reams of impossibly beautiful photos of our idols practically demands it.

A lot of the blogs are claiming that Demi's head was superimposed on this picture of model Ana Rubjik as she glided down the catwalk in this uber-sexy Balmain dress. Really? Isn't that a bit of a stretch? Frankly, I really don't think Demi's body is so hideous in all it’s middle aged glory that it needs to be completely replaced in order to sell a magazine. 

Yes, I know she's *gasp* 47...far too decrepit to rank a cover page according to the misogynists out there who lord over the fashion industry. But in her 40's or not, this woman's body is SICK (for those of you without teenagers, this means something amazing or unbelievable.) 

PROOF? An unretouched photo of Demi in a bikini on a recent vacation.

Worse than the killjoys who refuse to give this woman credit for the bod are those who believe she has 'sold out' for allowing her picture to be photoshopped in the first place: "Accept your body and all it's natural beauty", "aging is not to be feared but flaunted proudly", "embrace those wrinkles/stretch marks/brown spots" they proclaim.

Go blow it out your granola crunching ass! As a woman of a certain age, I find myself taking stock of my assets on a fairly regular basis and it’s not pretty. I wish someone would invent some way tophotoshop in real time and in the flesh. I’d call it ‘bodyshopping’. 

Oooh, I think I'll take off a couple of inches off the waist here, erase this nasty age spot there, lift and plump these funbagsjust a titch...

The possibilities are endless and the thought makes me positively giddy. Call me shallow and vain; my husband does and I own that. But no one told me this was going to such a struggle, this aging thing.

I'm especially pissed that NO ONE warned me that as I'm minding my own business, that which declares that I am indeed of the female persuasion would betray me and start to sprout curly GREY hairs!

I have a freaking Granny Patch and I'm not even old enough for my kids to start procreating. My husband has asked that I refrain from using this creeps him out. Having my womanly parts wither away before my eyes creeps ME OUT...he should suck it up.

Do they sell hair dye for the ‘short and curlies’? What about 'lip' plumping solution? I haven’t summoned the courage to ask the nice lady who works behind the cosmetics counter at the drugstore yet.

I've said it once and I'll say it again, aging sucks serious ass. Just askDemi.


No comments:

Post a Comment